Can't sleep

As I lay here in bed dreading the next 50 minutes when my alarm will alert for a morning run I realized I haven't blogged in forever.
Now even though nobody reads this I do find it therapeutic at times. Nothing has changed much. We bought a house and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life! The rub is that we can't move in for another 3 weeks. That gives us a lot of time to pack, but with family in town it leaves me as 1 girl and 3 guys in a one bed/bath house. I tell ya...its tough. Managing tho and I just can't wait for the house so clearly that makes it harder to deal.
We are still trying to get pregnant and get other jobs. Nothing has changed. Still stagnant.

Anniversary!!!

It's my 5 year wedding anniversary today...woot!!!  I've been so blessed to share my life with this man.  God picked him for me and I could not be happier.  I always knew that I loved him and that we were meant to be together, but with each passing day, week, and year I appreciate him more.  I gave him his present a few days early. It was a wood sign, since that is the 5 year traditional gift (wood), that says, "have I told you lately that I love you...".  It was the song we danced to at our wedding and I couldn't resist. I'll work on posting a picture when I get home today or tomorrow. I just know with all that I am that life would not be as fun or as complete without him to share it with.

Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. Today we are going to hang out all day! I am working again currently(go figure right) so I will have to sleep for part of the day. Also, my best friend and I are on week 3/day 3 of our 5K training program so we will be getting together for exactly 30 minutes of workout time at some point today. I really want to see a movie and have a nice dinner tonight, but since the hubs has drill Saturday, bright and early, we will have to make it somewhat of an early night.  Meh...as long as it is a day with him I will be a happy happy girl (I know I said enough with the mushy...sorry :)).  


Off on another more annoying and trivial note; we are trying to get our house hunting under way and DH's (dear husband) mother is being highly annoying. She is laying on a hugely thick guilt trip due to the fact we want to house hunt, gasp!, 30 minutes away.  It's infuriating and offensive that all she can think about is herself, and the fact that to see us will inconvenience her.  Not to mention that to live where she lives buys us a crummy house or a crummy neighborhood due to our financial situation.  Also, it's 30 minutes online map time and we all know those are always longer times than reality.  Ugh...sorry couldn't end today without a hefty vent.  We will be looking closer to her, but we are realistic about our money, and I can't wait to see how the drama unfolds.

Decisions, decisions

Decisions must be made. Life must go on. Things must change. 

The above is something I have gotten very used to in the past few years. I lost my mother almost 4 years ago to a freak motorcycle wreck hardest experience of my own life and my married life, my Nanny and both my aunts had horrific health issues, 7 family members died in a year and a half, I finished school and got a big girl job, my husband and I have moved what feels like a hundred times, my husband joined the military, my dad went back to school, my brother is in the process of growing up yay!, my husband's mom left her dumb husband, his dad has changed and moved on. I mean I could go on forever about all of the changes over just the last couple of years.

My husband and I have officially decided that we are tired.  We are sick and tired of waiting.  Our life has felt like nothing but waiting for the past 5 years, at minimum. We are tired.  He finally told me today in exact, no nonsense words, that we was so thankful I have let him pursue his dreams and make all kinds of changes and demands for our family of two.  He says that he has decided not to pursue the job that would move us right now, and that he is willing to hang out and let me actually find a job I love. I mean the job he was pursuing would change everything.  How and where we live, when we could start a family, delay buying a house to figure out where we will go, and so on.

I can't express in words how this makes me feel.  I was utterly thrilled for the prospect of the new job until the waiting game turned into 5 months with no notice or mention of it. I was excited at the prospect of moving, and then here we are 5 months later with no word.  I will wait until the end of time to make that man happy, but I can't tell you how pleased I am to be given the opportunity to find my true joy.  I love love love being a nurse.  Every second of the day I'm proud it's my job; however, my current job field is not my passion. So...

Today I look for my passion. I choose to take this time offered to me by my sweet, amazing husband to find the true joy of work in my life. I will be looking daily for jobs.  I will be praying daily for God to show me the way.  This has actually given me some peace.  I have been planning and trying to figure out the changes in our lives and they have been too far up in the air for me to see. Not any more. 

We will try to have a baby, look for a house here (30 minutes away from family no matter how much guilt one in particular tries to lay on), and find me a dream job.  Get me my dream experience, so that I may move with him and take my dream job wherever we may go. 

That being said...anyone know a way to get me a GN/internship spot on an ER or mom/baby floor feel free to comment. Ha! ;-)  

It's an odd feeling to be thinking about just what I want to do job wise, and having the joy of my husband taking the load off for a few months to let me figure out me.   

Again... decisions must be made.  Life must go on.  Things must change.

Reality check

One of these days I am going to have to sit at my desktop computer at home and write a post, but, alas, today is not that day.  My week has been good. I started this week and decided that I might break down and buy some Wondfos to keep better track of my cycles. Because I work shift work my temps are not always 100% accurate, and I want to be positive my husband and I are doing everything we can to have a baby. I know it all happens on God's time and I need to be patient, but I refuse to believe that that means I cannot use the things provided to increase my chances. I am a POAS addict anyways and this will feed my need. Score!

On another note, we finally went and looked at that house. It was awful! I was praying so hard that it would be the one and that it wouldn't need TOO much work. WRONG! It didn't just need minor foundation work and flooring repairs. It needed ceilings, dry wall, closets, kitchen, baths, landscaping, garage clean up and drywall, etc, etc, etc. It was utterly disappointing because the location is everything we could possibly dream of, and the house is from our worst nightmares. There is no way we could live in it and repair it. Much less bring a baby or pregnant lady in it to live during repairs. It did get the husband and I more focused.  We got a taste for how much money we could really be saving every month, and reaffirmed the things we will and won't compromise on in a house.

Life is still in the balance. I still want a new job and am steadily looking. Still waiting on husband to hear something on his application. Still trying to decide what area we want to live. Still for sure that our must haves in a house are garage, closets, utility room of decent sort, and fireplace. That is the do not compromise list and the measure for the reason this house is a no go. Work in a house is fine with us, but work to rip it down to the studs and build it back up is not in the cards for us. Not enough time or money.  Hopefully God shows us the plan.

Home owners??

Here at sit at work again.  Feels as if this is all I do. The nights are slow, but for some odd reason this one feels faster. I am hanging out with a lady who I used to work with on my other floor and I enjoy her so much.  She is the proud mother of four and fun to talk to. 

Today has been slightly eventful for my husband and I.  We were at my Dad's house not long ago and he mentioned the house 3 down from him was for sale.  Now...this neighborhood is AMAZING! (Yes, it deserves all caps.) It is an old established neighborhood in the historic district and the houses sell a good 200-300 thousand over what we can afford. We could never afford that on a regular basis, but it is our dream to end up there. The great part that happened today is a house came up for sell unexpectedly that is below our price range.  It's so cute and lovely and needs a ton of work! It's by far and away my dream house!!! I want a home where we can rip down walls and put them up exactly as we choose.  It isn't a big house and we may not be able to stay in it forever, but it would be perfect to start a family in.  Also, it would give us awesome equity and a huge leg up when selling later. We have met the owner and he knows my Dad which is a huge bonus for us. We also have an in with a realtor and mortgage person and we are looking into it heavily tomorrow (well today).  I'm so giddy I can't hardly breathe; much less sit still and patient here at work. I will keep you posted and have before pics as soon as we decide if we are going through with this or not.


Okay, so you may be sitting there scratching your head and wondering if I truly want to live that close to my father. I do!!! Ya, I'm that excited about the prospect. I mean think about it. Babysitter right down the street, I get to see him even on the days he has stinkin' school, and I can feel safe even if my husband is deployed. There will always be someone to open a pickle jar.  ::sigh:: I might be dreaming, but they are not meddlesome people and will probably be more annoyed with us then we could ever be of them.  Total bonus...my Step-Mom LOVES yard work and I swear I could talk her into ours, inserts happy dance here. 

It could all be a pipe dream, but we have been praying for the Lord to show us our next move and what he wants for us and the way this is playing out feels like Him. We will continue to pray and, hopefully, make smart decisions. I can't wait to see what happens!

Reflecting on me

As I sit here at work and wonder what the heck I can do with my remaining 2 hours of boredom I recall that I started a blog. Not a very interesting blog and definitely a directionally challenged blog, but a blog nonetheless. 

Nothing new has really be happening since the last post. I still am not pregnant. No surprise since it is past ovulation and too early to take a pregnancy test, but I fill it should be said seeing as how this is a blog of all aspects to my life. My husband and I have been talking and things in our house appear to be at a change. A good and exciting change. The house will be cleaner, and more organized. The groceries will be bought all at once with a menu in mind, and the laundry will stop reaching a pile large enough to bury us in. Work is going good. Slow still. Different with the lower number of patients I see a week. Makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't lie. I LOVE being busy! C'mon patients...please...no??

It has given me a lot of time to think and contemplate my lot in life recently. Finding that I am not as happy or as content with myself as I had originally believed was a nice wake up call, and good perk to this job change. I am a Christian, Godly woman, and I will be the first to admit that I do not put in the time my faith and obedience to my Father requires. It is a daily struggle for me to learn to balance life and the Lord. Realizing that my husband and I talk big talk about following God's plan for us instead of actually walking in God's plan and putting forth some effort to listen was a huge hit to my ego this week. Now, don't get me wrong. We both pray separately, and listen separately, and ask for things separately. However, as for getting together once a day or week or month to have a reading and conversation about our lives and with our God we fail. Drastically fail. I don't think this is a problem that we alone or me alone face, but I think it is one that we miss until we are looking at our lives and relationships years later. 

 I don't want to be looking back on my life years later thinking, Holy crap what was I thinking and doing all these years!. Here I start. Today I start and we start. My husband and I have talked and discussed and today is the day. I will have quiet time once a day. I will come before the Lord and listen. I feel it in my soul that he has been trying to give me a solution to this lost and unfulfilled time in my life, and it is past time to figure out what He has been trying to convey to me.  Through no fault of His and all through neglect of our relationship on mine. Here I go...

Getting to know you...

Today as I sit at work the sudden urge to begin blocking struck. My writing is not the best, my topics are probably skewed, and the things I find interesting enough to write about could very well be few and far between. However, I want to give this a shot. More for me then for anyone else in the hopes that this will be insightful and cathartic. I'm very sure that my topics will have a wide range. I'm married, have the best dog ever, love DIY, attempting to work out and get in shape (even though I hate every second of it), come from the best family in the world, lost my mom and awesome friend and amazing cook almost 4 years ago, love doing nursing, and trying to love cooking again. So here goes nothing...

After almost 5 years together my husband and I have decided to try for a baby! Yes so exciting; however, it's terrifying at times. You think, "Oh, awesome idea. We will just stop our birth control and get pregnant."  Wrong. It turns into the, "Omg, what if we can't get pregnant." "What if it is the wrong time when it actually happens." "What if the baby turns out messed up, or what if we are destined to be bad parents and we screw it up." I mean I could go on and on with the list of "What ifs" that popped into my head. Obsessing about becoming pregnant has consumed every free space of my mind. Any twinge in my body is, "Holy shit is that a baby??" You know it is ridiculous and irrational and for some crazy reason you cannot stop yourself. 

Through it all my husband has been super patient. We have been trying for about 3 months and I think he has heard more about my body that he ever desired to hear. The man has heard the question, "Are you excited about trying too?" more than any one person should have to endure and I just can't seem to stop myself. Bless his heart he is the kindest most patient man I know. I have made him start avoiding many things he loves likes boxer briefs, hot tubs, and baths. Anything that might damage sperm is out of our bedroom window! Maybe blogging will stop the crazies...or at least some of them. 


As for right now I haven't jumped on the crazy train of the temping and charting and graphing my lady cycle life. I have a feeling though if I wasn't on nights and borderline insomniac I might have. For now we are playing it by ear and for some reason I thought I needed 3 paragraphs to lay that out there. Again, I mentioned, warned, hinted, etc that I was obsessed. 


Also, in our lives we are waiting on job information. We both have great jobs that make good money and offer us mostly what we want in life. There is still something just not quite perfect though. We both feel as if we need to make a difference and we are made to do something more to honor God fully and to be fulfilled fully. I'm a nurse and I love being a nurse, but I want to use more of my skills. It is important to me to help more than just the rich and insured. Those who have nothing pull at my heart and I don't know how to help. Merging that feeling and that draw with my urges to have a family and babies is the hardest question of my adult life. How far do you go before you are no longer doing what God wants and you're following only what you want? How do I know the difference? The biggest questions I want answered right now are so simple. What is God's plan for me and how do I follow His plan? I"m hoping to figure that out while not being too worried about this "becoming" stage (word stolen from an awesome, smart, singer, friend of mine). 


We have a ton of new beginning stuff on the horizon. New jobs, different jobs that will hopefully be our fully career jobs, new house, baby (maybe?), potentially a new state (depending on husbands search). It's a lot to think about and work through, but we are strong and He is stronger and I am ready for every second of it. 


Sorry this is so long, they will be shorter and hopefully slightly more entertaining. Looking forward to filling it with pictures, recipes, dream home pictures, struggles and triumphs, and hopefully some occasional DIY attempts.